CONFESSION NUMBER : 3

I have never understood one thing about love relationships- why do they all begin with a sense of euphoria, excitment wherein we are excited and encouraging about each and every imagined and real quality that the other person has and then somewhere down the line the very things that attracted us to the other person would all look the most irritating and frustrating set of qualities one could ever have..? why ? why do we always end up destroying the things that we were extremely fond of at some point..why ?

Each man kills the thing he loves, by each let this be heard. some do it with a bitter look, some with a flattering word. the coward does it with a kiss, the brave man with a sword.

Another thing that i always wonder about is-why do we want to believe or hope even for a second that if we have found somebody who is funny, intelligent, interesting in short -fantastic company and amazing human being that they should be or must be our original discovery..I mean there could be tens and thousands times they could have been discovered and liked and loved much before you showed up in their life and why should it bother you, at all ?

well unfortunately since i am not such a super human being it does bother me and bothers me a lot at times..i want to focus just on the present and be content that this person is with me now..but i just can't take my mind off the simple fact that this person was once somebody else's apple of the eye and that my special someone was fond of,crazy about, and adored somebody else and what makes it worse is that they are still friends with them..

In a perfect world, none of these things would have bothered me but since we all wrestle with our imperfections on a daily basis these are the insecurities that i do kick boxing sessions with once every week and these feelings of insecurities attack me without prior warning and i feel trapped and helpless and i end up hating myself for making my own life hell and dragging down the other person with me.

People are prismatic

My favourite subject is people..different people, random people.. I just love to observe them..its a less known fact but I am a pretty sincere student when it comes to studying people..the only mistake I always end up making is, that I forget that no person is 100% bad or 100% good..I have had friends who have been downright insensitive, mean and heartless..and I have had 'enemies' (a very strong word but then its needed to show the contrast) who have gone out of the way to help me at some point..

So is it fair to categorise people, classify them?

Is it even fair to write off somebody completely or place somebody in the hall of fame ever ?

The finality attached to it is pretty ruthless, too much rests on our perceived spot-on judgement and the assumption that the person is a single layered human being who has no other hidden or less known aspects to his/her personality..

So many times people have surprised me pleasantly and unpleasantly and thats because in my mind I had already classify them as good or bad purely in context to their equation with me and when they deviated even a little the surprise element just popped up!!

Probably this is the reason why people make interesting subject matter because the element of certain uncertainities is always there...and frankly speaking if you let somebody speak for long enough they end up revealing themselves without you making any effort, and this is the time when silence is truly gold.

A NEW DAWN: kyunki dawn ko pakadna mushkil sahi par namumkin nahi hai

Yesterday I hit the lowest point of my life..wherein I convinced myself that just because some random person said something I should throw away everything that I value a lot in my life..hurting a lot of people who genuinely care and worry about me...If given a choice I would probably erase that moment, and I would want to believe that it never happened..but since its now out there, an unecessary experience and ordeal in which I dragged a lot of people,I am sincerely and truly apologetic for what happened...sometimes you get lost in the chaos and the loud crowd so much that you forget whats truly priceless. I have a really special person in my life,somebody I really love, adore, and care about but somehow I ended up letting him down..I am scared that I might have pushed him away by what I did, but now I have no choice but to makeup for my careless mistakes and hope that one day he will forgive me... or atleast that he would be able to look at me beyond that one isolated incident.And I promise myself that I am going to value whatever I have, because he is somebody I was always waiting for, somebody who gets me, somebody who on most days sees me freaking out on trivial issues and being careless with major issues and yet manages to tell me that he loves me and mean it.

Its all in the mind

They say, be careful of what you say when you are in others' company and what you think when you are alone..

This thought somehow resonates with me on many different levels, I feel somebody said that to me looking directly in my eyes and almost in a confrontation mode.

There are days or atleast some parts of my days where I have this out of body experience, ie when people are talking about me- especially the good points and I cannot relate to it, I feel that they are talking about somebody else..somebody who is much more popular, confident, trendy, somebody who resembles me at times but is definitely not me..and that leaves me sad and even more under confident

I am going through that phase again, and I really don't know how can overcome this deep feeling of underconfidence.

For some reason I am not able to see the good in me that others can..so in the end they are left wondering as to from where this self depreciating feelings and talks coming from.

I hate it too, I hate my whinny, cribbing self but I still can't help it...

It takes a special effort for me to say anything nice about me, and that way I always end up with negative thoughts in my mind attacking me and because I am always thinking negatively I am never confident about myself..its a painful vicious circle, that I am unable to get out from..

I really really need help.

Who are you ?

Confession no. 2  when somebody asks me 'tell me about yourself, what kind of a person you are' I have no clue where to start and where to finish, what all to include and what all to dilute..and I don't want to be one of those people either who say things like 'its hard to describe who i am..etc etc' something on those lines, because frankly speaking its not hard to describe me.

So many times I wanted to depend on what the public opinion is about me and what kind of a person do they think I am but unfortunately I have heard so many different versions of me, from different people ofcourse that I am still stuck..

Some will say that you are a confident, talkative, outgoing and extremely funny (hopefully intentionally) person

Then there are others who would say that I am an introvert to the level of being labeled as 'arrogant'..the word bothers me the perks don't :-) and that I am very deep, spiritual, kind and detached..

And if those confusing reports were not mind boggling enough, I end up doing behavioral gymnastics right infront of my eyes..Its rather embarassing but even I can't predict how will I react or respond to any given situation so the innocent bystander is as clueless as I am if not more so!!

I can't even use simple adjectives like- caring, brave, sympathetic, good cook etc because the moment I say that I am lets say-caring..I remember a time when i wasn't.. which brings me to my other query that how consistent one needs to be to confidently use a particular character trait to define them?!

So in the final analysis describe yourself, and what kind of a person you are and all these simliar off the cuff queries look simple and obvious and first things that one asks, but the answers are usually superficial, so if you really wanna have a clear description of who the other person is, either wait till he turns 65 and hopefully he would know by then or better still -observe...because otherwise the answers are usually way off the mark or self depreciatory or self appreciatory...

So till I turn 65, everytime you ask me- what kind of  a person I am, I would say how dare you ask me an all absorbing, confusing, loaded,earth shattering question that forces me into a mental cyclone or maybe just to be a bit more polite (which is another quality with which I am consistently inconsistent) I would say hey I am a gemini, here's your copy of Linda Goodman, may you have a good read.

On the beaten track

They say beginning is the best place to start from.

So let me confess why I am writing this blog or why have I even thought of doing PDE (Public Display of Emotions) even if its on the experimental basis.

Sometimes, don't you feel that you can open up to a complete stranger that you met maybe while grocery shopping who just became a part of your life when they unintentionally overheard your conversation with your angry boss on the other side, and now have a "i understand" look on their face..and thats maybe because they don't come with a bag full of opinions and judgements and info about your past actions and the beauty of it is you may never bump into them ever again..and these two circumstantial advantages makes the desire to open up without being actually judged extremely tempting.

And what can I say, i fell for it...atleast for now.

So I am ready to be a crib-tologist in the public domain.

And probably i am hoping to discover myself on the way more than being discovered, although the latter has its well established rainbows.